As I Lay Dyingagain
by ninjafairygirl
Summary: CRACKFIC: written for a friend of mine. a bit of Aerith bashing and OOC-ness. rating is a bit high  cartoon violence  but better to be safe than sorry.
1. Chapter 1

Hey everyone. Alright, so this is a MAJOR crack fic. Just something my good friend inni and I whipped up one day out of the blue. It's not meant to offend anyone, so don't take it the wrong way. It's just the kind of literature you get from us. 3

Anyway, I own nothing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Once upon in a land and time very far away, two somewhat friends were shopping at the mall for something they didn't need, or particularly want.

"You look s good in that outfit, Tifa." Aerith smiled, as Tifa looked at her backside in the many mirrors surrounding her.

"I don't know." She mused.

Tifa took another look at herself in a short red dress that she had seen in the store. It was a fiery crimson, with jet black cloth hanging from the back in two pieces. It wasn't something Aerith would wear, with all her soft pinks and whites. However, Tifa was drawn to the powerful color and nature of the dress. It made a statement. She just didn't know if it really suited her. That was why Aerith was here.

"Are you sure? I mean, it's not like I ever dress up all that much." Tifa brushed back her long black hair and bangs.

"Cloud will love it. Trust me." Aerith smiled. Could she show _any_ other emotions besides a smile or a worried look?

"You would know, wouldn't you?" Tifa mumbled.

The two looked at each other with a measure of uncertainty. There they were, in the dressing room in the new building of the mega-influential superstore, Cid's. Usually, it was just a place to buy tools, and hang out with friends. Once in a while, you could catch the owner, Cid, and ask him about the latest ship parts. Or his twin brother, Cid. He dealt with finances. It actually was because of this Cid's wife that the store opened up as a full department store.

They had been in there for over an hour, trying to find the perfect outfit for an occasion neither had any plans for. But they were here, regardless. Aerith had spotted her gown upon entering the store. It was perfect for her, being a long pink dress, with rose trimmings and a short sleeved white jacket. The only problem then, was to find Tifa an outfit.

It had been a long time since the two had hung out, and it was not without their awkward moments. Aerith was with Zack now, but they had both loved Cloud at one time. Tifa wondered sometimes if he ever thought of her. Especially now that she had mysteriously come back from the grave. And she didn't smell like a dead person.

It was all Sephiroth's fault. Tifa didn't really care to know how or when it happened, but she had heard the whole story from Reno. Aerith had died after being stabbed in the back by the seven-foot long sword belonging to Cloud's nemesis. But some how, she came back. And she wasn't alone. Cid (owner #1, see two paragraphs above.) had introduced her to Zack, apparently another one of Cloud's dead friends. Tifa knew Cloud could act emo, but she had to wonder just how long he spent in the graveyard.

Tifa heard a shuffling noise behind Aerith that pulled her out of her Cloud-related-thoughts. Standing behind Aerith was Rinoa, one of their close friends, ever since the kingdom hearts incident. Rinoa had disappeared after the crash landing, and that was the last of that. Tifa didn't even want to remember. She shuddered at the very thought. Come to think of it, Cid had introduced them, as well.

"Boo!"

"Rinoa, you nearly killed me." Aerith placed a hand on her internal palpitating pump.

Rinoa was wearing a blue and white gown, with long, flowing sleeves and blue high heels to match. The bottom of her skirt was white, and there was a pearl necklace tied around her throat and hanging down her torso. Her black hair was shoulder length, with some caramel highlights.

"Hey guys!" Rinoa chirped. "Whoa, Tifa. That dress looks fantastic on you! Hey, so I was thinking, did you guys want to go on a triple date? Squall is okay with us dating, but I kind of want to put him out there. See what he'll do."

"Isn't that mean?" Aerith wore her worry face.

"He'll be alright. He's a big strong lion." Rinoa smiled. "Well, that's what he says. I think he's more of a cuddly teddy bear." She gave a great bear hug to the air in front of her.

"Well, I'm sure Zack won't mind. We don't have much to do these days." And the Aerith smile was back.

"Tifa? Squall might appreciate having Cloud there. They are very similar." Rinoa grabbed her friend's hands.

"….oh, alright." Tifa decided.

"Oh, goodie!" Rinoa cheered. "Oh great, now I'm acting like selphie. Ah well. See you guys at my house. Seven o' clock and not one moment later!"

She ran out the door with out paying for the dress and pearls. She was so excited, that she forgot she hadn't changed back into her regular blue coat. After a quick apology for kicking a guard in the face, she came back and paid, waved to the two girls and ran out the door.

"Well, she's energetic, that's for sure." Tifa sighed.

Aerith shrugged and watched Tifa leaved the platform, to return to her dressing room and change back into her regular clothes.

That night, Rinoa was running around the house in the dress she had bought that day, trying to get the hopelessly messy room clean. Meanwhile, Aerith and Tifa were sitting on the couch, straight back and uncomfortable.

"I'm so sorry, you guys. I just moved in and well, it's not exactly all that great." Rinoa sighed.

"It's alright." Aerith replied. Rinoa continued to clean.

The door bell rang and Rinoa appeared from behind a pile of boxes.

"I'll get it." Tifa got off the couch and answered the door.

Standing on the other side of the entryway was none other than Squall, wearing a black suit, blue vest and white tie. He was actually turned around, making sure that the four person car he had brought was sufficiently locked. With a curt nod of his head, he entered the abode, stepping over one or two boxes. The room was a sea of boxes, most of them stacked from floor to close to the ceiling. There was a TV and coffee table in front of the couch, but that was the only permanent thing in place.

"Hey Squall." Tifa walked behind the soldier, easing her way onto the couch.

"Hey squall." Rinoa called from behind her pile of boxes.

"What exactly is she doing back there?" Squall murmured to Aerith, who had also been sitting on the couch.

"I don't know." She replied.

Suddenly, items began flying out of the boxes one by one. Rinoa was mumbling behind the boxes, loud enough for the three to hear, but softly enough they couldn't understand. Items were flying from behind the boxes. It almost seemed that Rinoa was aiming at her guests as she threw, desperately looking for something. A sock puppet landed right on Squall's head. Moomba and moogle stuffed animals hit Tifa in the head, although she could have sworn a couple were real. Some chocobos and crossbows assaulted Aerith. She didn't seem to feel the items when they hit. And if it weren't for the moogle landing in Tifa's ears, she would have thought she heard a clanging as Rinoa's valkriye hit Aerith in the face.

"Hey, how much longer is Cloud going to be, Tifa?" Aerith placed aside the weapon that had been hurled at her head. The barrage had stopped, so they had a chance to breathe.

"He should be here any time soon." Tifa answered. With a thought, she added "I hope."

"I brought a four person car, if we want to meet up with him." Squall offered, glaring at the sock puppet that was sitting on his head.

"No good." Tifa contained a snicker. She had gotten up after the barrage and made her way to the door. Glancing out, she saw that Cloud had arrived. And he wasn't alone.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So, who exactly is Cloud with? And what took him so long? Lol, make sure to review!


	2. Chapter 2

Here's chapter 2. Remember, I own nothing, except cid's. 20% off everything if you send a review! (Ok, maybe 25%. I'm not made of money, you know.)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The doorbell rang and Rinoa popped up, an old shirt draped over her head. Aerith gave a small laugh, and Tifa opened the door. But she before it was fully opened, Rinoa returned to searching amongst the boxes. At the front door stood Cloud and Zack, silently staring at the door frame. They did their best to not look at each other, Tifa noticed.

"Hey guys, you all look grea- where's Rinoa?" Zack commented.

"Thanks" Rinoa called from behind the cardboard pile.

"Who said that? Wait, don't tell me Rinoa's been turned into cardboard? Did she misfire a spell again?" Zack stepped back in surprise.

"Yes, and I'm Perry the platypus." Tifa remarked sarcastically.

Cloud took in the scene. There were cardboard boxes _everywhere._ Well, except where the couch, TV and coffee table stood. But hey, what else did one need in life? However, he was distracted from his thoughts when he realized how plush the carpet was. It was a little surprising, seeing as the house was used. Cloud closed his eyes and imagined himself standing in the softness, letting it envelope him. There, he could live out his secret lifelong fantasy of being a my little pony rancher-

"Hey Cloud, are you awake in there? I'm asking you a question." Tifa waved her hand in his face. She rubbed a finger across his chin. "Were you….drooling?"

Cloud wiped a hand across his face and defensively stated "NO!"

Cloud scanned the room to see who had heard his entrance. Squall was leaning over a bunch of boxes, looking for Rinoa, no doubt. Aerith had stepped behind him and was now speaking with Zack. He felt a chill from the cool evening air. He wanted to close it, but Aerith was in the way- as usual. For once, he wished he could do away with her himself. Last time he hired Sephiroth to do it, but obviously his killing techniques were getting sloppy.

Rinoa was suddenly behind Zack, at the door. How did she do that? Poor Squall was looking in the wrong direction entirely. Cloud wondered how he was ever able to keep up to her. He wanted to giggle a little because he still had some sort of sock puppet on his head.

"Hey Cloud. Tell me you brought one of your six-passenger vehicles." Rinoa requested.

The question perked everyone up, paying attention to their two friends. Squall made his way over to the group, and Aerith shut the door (coincidentally also shutting herself out. And thanks to Rinoa's lock, she was stuck outside until the conversation was completed and someone opened the door.) Tifa and Cloud broke their stares as both he and Zack looked every where else besides into the faces of their friends. That's when Aerith started pounding on the door.

"Hey, let me in! We have to figure out how to get to the restaurant. It looks like Cloud only brought his motorcycle." Aerith pounded on the door.

Cloud punched where he guessed Aerith's head was as his face turned beet red.

"We were running late, and well, the- the vans weren't there." Cloud protested.

"It was his idea." Zack raised his hands in self defense.

"Smooth." Cloud looked back, placing his hands on his hips.

There was an awkward silence for a moment while the words hung in the air. The silence was only broken when Aerith started to pound on the door once again and Squall cleared his throat. He held up his keys and pointed to the door. One by one, they filed out. Cloud and Tifa got on to the motorcycle, and Zack and Aerith headed for the car. Rinoa held back, and Squall came back to get her.

"Rinoa?" Squall eased into the house. The lights were dimmed, and all he could see were the many boxes that lined the walls.

He headed over by the TV and looked in the box. All of a sudden, Rinoa popped up, grabbed the sock puppet. When Squall looked back in the box, she was gone. He looked around and then back in the box, where Rinoa was already up. She kissed him on the nose, and then disappeared.

Squall stepped back in surprise and blinked a couple of times. A smile played on the edge of his lips. He was brought out of any musings by the sound of Rinoa swinging her pearl necklace.

"Found what I was looking for. Now come on." Rinoa looked back and smiled.

With the door locked and everyone in the right vehicles, they headed out. Tifa laughed as the spare black fabric of her dress fluttered in the wind. They were heading to the Gardens, a fancy restaurant in the city. While Cloud and Tifa had the noise of the city to listen to, everyone else was waiting for Rinoa to pick a station in the car. Eventually, she stopped on some sappy love song dedication station.

"And here's to a certain Zombie girl of mine, Aerith you really shine!" the DJ blared. "And if you need some help just know you can always turn to your man, Zack Fair. Enjoy the music, you two."

Squall and Rinoa turned to look into the back seat, only to find the couple beet red, staring down at something interesting that apparently seemed to appear on the floor.

"I called that in almost a month ago! How come it's just now playing?" Zack belted.

"Squall, the road!" Aerith pointed.

With a fluid movement of the wheel, the car got set back on the road, crashing at least three and a half cars in its wake. Cloud shook his head as he stayed well behind the carnage that was Squall's driving. In no time at all, they reached the restaurant, and found a parking spot. They met up and walked in to the building.

Fountains were at every corner of the dining area, and flowers littered the wall. The flowers at the very top of the wall looked wilted, but you could hardly see them because of the lighting. They also looked like they had been stapled to the wall. Regardless, there was a quaint feeling in the atmosphere and things couldn't be more tranquil.

Dinner started taking a turn for the worse when Sephiroth showed up. Apparently he was meeting Genesis and Angeal for a reunion, as they had become living again through the same mysterious process that had brought Aerith and Zack back. Come to think of it, Cid had introduced Tifa to them as well.

"Sephiroth!" Cloud growled.

Tifa glared at Sephiroth and then noted to Cloud "not here."

He gave a small 'hmp' and walked on. Apparently they had reserved a booth in back. Back at the table, Rinoa wanted to know why the author kept using the word 'apparently'.

After everyone ordered their food, Tifa excused herself to power her nose. Or something like that. Not that she actually carried powder, of course. On her way over, she whispered to Sephiroth, and he got up from his seat. He mentioned something to one of the workers before exiting.

In an instant, the birthday song blared through the restaurant as a bunch of waitresses and waiters began singing in a chorus of loud, annoying and very off pitch voices.

"Happy birthday, Yuffie!" they ended.

"Yuffie?" Aerith pulled out the worried face. "But I don't know any Yuffie."

"I do." Zack glumly mentioned.

A sneeze came from the ball pit, but no one paid it any mind. That is, until it became a loud and rather annoying round of sneezes. Apparently the ball pit had been there the whole time. Or had it?

"What do you want? I'm busy trying to find treasure. My sources tell me something valuable to Shinra is buried here!" she cried.

Reno and baldy picked her up by the arms and dragged her away.

"No! They're coming to take me away!" Yuffie complained loudly.

"Oooookay…" Rinoa tipped her head.

"Serves that nose picker right. She stole my treasure….twice!" Zack held up three fingers.

Aerith put down his ring finger and sighed. Happy face was back.

Tifa quickly returned, and the food came along with it. They had a lovely time until the food fight broke out. No one knew who had started it, but it was the splat heard round the world.

"We've got to get out of here." Aerith yelled.

Everyone was crouching behind their overturned table, trying to figure out what to do. Sephiroth was standing in the middle of the room, fuming over the mashed potatoes in his hair. they had no gravy. Rinoa picked up a pencil and erased the word apparently from the last sentence.

"Serves you right!" she blew a raspberry. "Find another word."

The author wanted to be mean to her little puppet Rinoa (as I'm sure you all understand the author is ruler over all time and space in their story) however, she needed to finish typing up the tale. And Rinoa was needed for dramatic effects for later. So, while the author schemed, the story continued.

It took some doing, but after crawling across the floor, they made it outside. Soon all was silent, as the dead and not so dead were counted. Angeal and Genesis were trying to calm down Sephiroth who was now threatening to cut off his hair. Fangirls congealed at the window, pushing our protagonists away from the door. Mr. Background character rang a bell and announced the number of dead. Most had died from Sephiroth's anger. One had died from eating the veal. He was sadly, discarded from the story in no time at all.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I love background characters…..so convenient when offing your main characters. Don't let them die in vain, though! Make sure to review!


	3. Chapter 3

Well, I'm hoping that you guys are liking this so far. We're to our climax now, so you can begin holding your breath. (jk…..) remember, I own nothing.

Anyway, back to our heroes. Or whatever they are to the story.

But they were safe now. In the cool of night, Tifa stopped as they were walking. She slowly pulled up her skirt, ever so slightly. The guys turned around and their faces became as crimson as her dress. They stopped in their tracks, wondering what it was their feminine friend was doing.

"Tifa, don't do it!" Cloud yelled, his face becoming redder by the minute.

She stopped momentarily and revealed a gun from the belt on her leg. There was a collective sigh from the group, and she pulled out the pistols. Once they were up, she pulled back down the short skirt.

"What'd you think I was doing?" she held one of the guns up to her face.

They all were afraid to answer, fearing she might go berserk and become trigger happy. Luckily she didn't. Not yet, anyway.

They began to walk again, stopping once in a while to wait for the whole group to catch up. And by whole group, we mean Tifa. Because she was walking much slower than normal. Slowly enough that some one should have been suspicious. But the night was too nice for that.

As they were all stopped, Tifa made her move. With speed even a ninja couldn't see, Tifa ran behind Aerith. She held the gun to her back and shot. Everyone was surprised at the ringing noise it made afterwards. Aerith fell down, as dead as she was before kingdom hearts.

"Aerith!" Zack cried, reaching for her.

Cloud tried as hard as he could to look distraught, but on the inside, he was bouncing around. It was good to see that Tifa was useful for something. That was why he was surprised when the only thing he could see was the barrel down Tifa's gun.

Zack leaned down and looked over Aerith's cold, dead corpse. (She was actually very warm. 110 degrees Fahrenheit, to be exact.) A tear of antifreeze leaked from Zack's eye and landed on her cheek.

"They're cyborgs? Robots?" Rinoa gasped, clutching Squall's shirt and turning towards him.

Now that everyone got a good look at them, their skin was very rubbery, and there was a faint whirring noise coming from the inside. Everyone simply guessed it to be some stomach problems. Now they knew the truth.

Tifa dropped her gun and pulled a rocket launcher from her clutch purse that she had apparently been holding the entire time.

(At this point, we are told that we must change authors, as Tifa killed the last one when she went to powder her nose, a favor for Rinoa. You see, Rinoa had some bad memories with the word 'apparently', and now hated it. I've just been told that if I use it again, my fate would be the same…..well, on to the story, shall we?)

Ruthlessly, Tifa shot the two until all that was left of them was a radio and a pile of nuts and bolts. One of them was sitting on a beach chair that had come from the beach supply store just down the road.

"Aerith!" Cloud cried. He felt remorse for the loss of a perfectly good robot.

Tifa swiveled around and slammed the end of her rocket launcher into Cloud's head, knocking him out for the rest of the story.

"Did I do that?" she sweetly cooed.

"Tifa, what's wrong with you?" Rinoa called out.

"It's nothing personal." Tifa was aiming at the two, but then decided against it. Squall had had his arm around Rinoa and his gun blade out, but there was no need.

"Don't worry, sillies." Tifa smiled affectionately. "This has nothing to do with you."

Rinoa was about to argue, when Squall led her to the car.

"But, but….I wanted tonight to be perfect. Now Tifa's in her serial killer mode, Aerith and Zack are nuts and bolts, and Cloud has chosen this horrible moment to take a nap. What else could go wrong! I don't like this new author!" Rinoa bawled.

Squall whispered words of consolation, trying to calm her down.

"Well, she didn't finish her trix. Maybe it's not too late for her to become human again." Rinoa looked regretfully to Tifa.

The wind picked up for a moment, and caused dust to be blown around Tifa's feet. She was standing on a hill, so it looked like she had conquered a tall…..well, hill.

Without another word, they got in the car. Tifa watched. Just as they were pulling out, some muscle spasms caused Tifa's arms to move, and she shot the rocket launcher at the car. After doing so, she shot the car a couple more times, just for the heck of it. Now, what was left of the car was on fire, Aerith and Zack's spare parts were scattered on the street and Cloud lay unconscious beside Tifa.

(At this point, I, the author, would like to clear something up. It was I that caused the muscle spasms, leading to Tifa's arm to move, leading to the pulling of the trigger, leading to the ammo to be shot out of the rocket launcher, causing the car to be hit, causing Rinoa's death. I had to do what I had to do. Rinoa killed off the only one who would listen to me, Mr. Twinkles, my rabbit. (As if you didn't know rabbits like to write.) It was her dog that ate up poor Mr. Twinkles. So I had to exact my revenge. I did what I had to do. Rinoa got her just deserts. And I got my chocolate pudding.)

Satisfied, and filled with an incomparable feeling of joy that had come from the unplanned murders, Tifa picked up her guns and threw the rocket launcher behind her back. It was loaded, causing some building to be blown up.

"Good work, Tifa." Sephiroth smirked, upon entering via stage right. He took a long look at the carnage left in her wake and smirked. Especially upon seeing Cloud's sleeping form * APARENTLY * he had supposed Cloud to be dead.

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes and held out her hand.

Seeing her demands, Sephiroth thrust a few leftovers from his pocket into her hand and turned to leave. After a meticulous look at her earnings, Tifa was disgusted. All that work, and for what?

"A hundred gil, a Sephiroth key chain and a coupon to the Gardens? What a rip off artist!" she growled.

Leaving Cloud on the ground, she ran silently until she was behind Sephiroth, who was walking away in slow motion. It raised his cool points by five. Because he added a hair swoosh, he got five more.

Tifa kicked him in the calf (very uncooly, by the way. she lost three cool points.) and yelled 'rip off artist' in his ear. Upon his surprise (causing him to lose four cool points. Cool people don't get surprised), Tifa placed the gun on his forehead and pulled the trigger. At her feet lay a very dead Sephiroth. She began laughing maniacally and going through his pockets-"

"Wait a minute! Tifa killed Sephiroth? With a bullet? How? It cost me all of my elixirs and several resets!" Sora complained.

"That's how it happened." Leon leaned back.

Sora, Donald and Goofy were awestruck.

"The lesson here is to never make Tifa mad, alright?" Leon finished.

"Impossible." Sora scoffed. "How are you still alive then? Didn't the author kill you off for the murder of some pet rabbit?"

"Maybe he's one of those cyborg guys." Goofy laughed.

"Could he really be?" Donald wondered.

"Do you really want to ask that?" Tifa's calm, cool voice came from behind Donald's head. She pulled the mallet back and aimed at Sora.

He gulped.

"No, Ma'am."

"Good." She moved the gun to her pocket and walked away.

Sora slowly eased to another world via the save point and never visited Radiant Gardens again. Ever.

THE END

Or is it?

So, that's it. Hope you guys liked it, I know we like to reference it, especially zack's tears. 3 you should review, because my friend wants to know what everyone would say about it….lol.


End file.
